4 months …

(26/03/21) building a new past,
everyday, that replaces the old one,
so that our own legend becomes
a little bit more highlights
than low-lights …
outshining the latter
while not forgetting
that the low lights
are just part
of the entire process.

(19/03/21) an orange sunset,

dreaming away
far in time
a decade from now
today’s problems probably solved
but what about the unknown problems
of tomorrow
eternally busy with problems ….
but not with life
now that’s another problem
the major problem

(16/03/21) gloom is in the mind
the weather can be gloomy
and your life might be a mess
still beauty can be found
nearly everywhere
you only have to open your mind
.
eyes only see what is
.
what attracts your mind?
what directs your mind?

(14/03/21) i just took her hands
and warmed them up, 19 months ago,
it had been raining all day in central london.
it warmed her heart.
we were already on our “just a 2nd meetup”
discovering cities … not a pick up line:
she made a typo, initiating our first meeting:
“would you be having breakfast with me”,
i wrongly interpreted, and she said why not,
and we met in the geographical middle,
200 kms from both our residences.

(05/03/21) she left today,
yeshi and marit accompanied us
to the airport. she arrived safely.
planning to meet again soon
within 3 months… or later,
depending on the international situation

(01/03/21) wondering what the morrow
might bring, or not
milk and honey eventually end
life will be different tomorrow
what are we going to do
how are we going to cope
what magic cards
can be played
next summer

(12/02/21)
winter wonder land ….
a lot of fear experienced lately
being stuck somewhere some dead ends reached
not being able to get out
creativity and joy destroyed
sometimes in an instant
sometimes over an afternoon
.
a lot of problems, incertainties, insecurities
.
sometimes it is too much, eyes look down
the question ‘why’, about nothing
or about the unanswerable
.
life goes on, despite the observed,
despite the doing, and undoing

but not all continues
fear creates places of desolation
deserts in the heart, unseen tears
distopian mindscapes, frozen dances
ice ice ice ice, everywhere:
“the dark and dead present”

(03/02/21) keeping ourselves busy
during pandemic paranoia
visiting yet another empty city,
by an empty train.
… a royal treatment.

(30/01/21) i am a nomad in time
i dont know when i will be tomorrow
i dont know if i will be tomorrow
i dont know what i will be tomorrow
.
lost in time
certainties all left me
i can make plans
but they will need
2 be adapted
to tomorrow
every other day
.
no, i dont live in the now
still everything is possible
.
but now clinging to the known
which is not applicable
anymore
.
everything is transient
plans can be made
if there is 100% space
for change
like
every second of the day
.
i am not used to this
i often dont know
what to do
.
even improvising
seems to be useless
.
on a rollercoaster
without end in sight
although the end
is the only certainty
i still have
.
no one however knows
when that will be …

(25/01/21) bad days are accompanied by worse days
worst days are always followed by something better
in 3 minutes it will be tomorrow
must be one of those better days

(23/01/21) … capturing my own breath …
… apparently i’m still alive,
… i think
… probably
… perhaps this was my last
… how can i be sure
… capture another one?

(20/01/21) under a first quarter moon
the forest changes colours
false blues and false shadows
what is real, and what is false
how far did we really walk
will we ever arrive anywhere
isnt this an aimless journey
on an unforgiving planet
.
no one can tell
before it ends
and no one can
after

(19/01/21) “i wish i were dead”
doesnt mean i want to end life
only that i would like the difficult
parts of today, to be past me,
and i wish i could look back
already
and still feel satisfied with it
but right now, i am not
and i dont see a way out yet
have to wait and see how such and such
will move forward and eventually end
perhaps the current situation will
look like a tender struggle,
25 years from now,
when looking back and affirming:
“i truly lived”

(18/01/21) dark afternoon
dark thoughts, dark forest
dark horses, running
through mind

(17/01/21) empty minded when i wake up
in the middle of the night
although i had needed 5 seinfeld episodes (season 7)
to get rid of the evening mess.
i’ve now completely forgotten what the fuzz was all about,
so how unimportant could it have been …
.
mind can not get out of its ruts on its own
self reflection only works after it has completely calmed down
.
who teaches us how to calm down
which tools to use to change the subject
.
how listening to the sounds of the night brings complete silence
how immersing in humor can have a similar effect
or doing any task that needs your entire attention
.
… there are so many ways to get out
of a ‘running around in circles’ …
.
which method(s) are helping you?

(01/01/21) not alone this time.
“us” is experiencing doing things together,
spontaneously, like “let’s go to the sea,
grab some food and warm clothes, …
… and something to drink underway …”
.
the sea is still the same,
and never the same
like everything
.
we are nothing but phenomenon
temporary mirages
.
always morphing
a never ending present

(06/12/20) that’s her
in that 777
in the mist
.
she’s here now

(30/11/20) What is a state of mind
A fleeting moment in time
My daily gratitude file
Meant to overpower my moods
when my moods are too overpowering
A first aid, for moods

(25/11/20) 9 months
in no mans land …
not a waste of time
more a waste of space
unshared

(11/11/20) keeping murphy’s law in mind,
there might be light at the end
of our 9 months’ separation.
i dare to hope again,
and she said she saw
those lights in my smiling eyes again;
they had been hidden for much too long

(Twerski) you love those to whom you give.” And his point is if I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you. And since self-love is a given–everybody loves themselves. Now that part of me has become in you, there’s part of me in you that I love. So true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving..

2 thoughts on “4 months …

    • Hi Deb. Great to see you too.
      Life doesnt stand still, it moves, sometimes rapidly, sometimes incredibly slow.
      How are you. Didnt exchange much with you over the past … 18 months already?
      My most wonderful wishes to you and yours.

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