30th monologue …

there was a time

when i didnt have to care
about death
anybody would be fine
some would miss me,
most wouldnt
i wouldnt

but things got complicated when
i started to have expectations
on that one special person
and love

as i wrote earlier (28th monologue)
“i would regret never having seen that future with you …”

children have to find their own ways
and equally, friends and former lovers

well so is life, i cannot care …

however now there is something else

i wouldn’t want to disappoint you
i wouldn’t want to make you unhappy
by my untimely death
i know how devastated you’d be
i feel like i owe you some future
and i really want to give you this

things have changed so much
over the past 4 months …

over these past 3 weeks

if i were to die tomorrow
i would really regret
not having been able

to give myself
to you

Picture by bvdb, Jeddah, centrepoint, march, 1st 2020 – @ksa – sm-a520f – x_20200301_184435.jpg


7 thoughts on “30th monologue …

  1. You hit the nail on the head. Having always wanted to go first, the past few weeks have called that into question. My husband would take terrible care of himself and thought of him caring for himself if sick is an awful thought, matched only by my panic over taking care of him and wanting to do my best by him. I am glad you wrote this piece. I cannot write, can hardly think. Maybe we’ll be spared… for awhile.

    • we’ll be spared, i have been coughing for the past 12 days. had serious fever the first 3 days, but i’ve been doing some gardening for 3 days now (not too much – first day i overdid it, cutting an apple-tree and tired like a donkey)
      I have no idea whether it is cornona or not, we are locked in anyway. From next week i’ll start teaching online courses.

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