nightly dialogues 24

—  … so then comes this hard protective shell …

What hurt you?

— Life, mostly, insensitive as it is, most people are alike, some are worse. The exceptions all dead, unreachable, some unreachable because of my shell. Most because of their own.

So your own shell makes it worse?

— It does, but couldn’t live without it. Many will recognize that sarcasm is the soft outer layer. Then there is hardwood: nobody should see what i think. The next layer is concrete: please let nobody see what i feel. Underneath that is the layer of who i am. It is so well protected i can barely go there myself.

But you telling me this now. You are lifting some of those protective layers.

— I cannot live without the concrete, but living with it makes life unbearable. I try to find people with whom i can lower some of the defenses. I’d desire to find some, perhaps just one to feel completely free. But …

But they are all human beings too, just like you, with their own hedgehog skin. Both need to lower their defences for true communication to happen.

— So i sometimes take the initiative, hesitatingly … all antennae tuned to “how far, too far, …no back down, they will abuse you while being unprotected … perhaps … ”

To find a balance …

— There is no balance being completely naked. Would i really dare to show my charcoal interiors?

So there is fear

— It’s probably worse than fear of death. Actually, it is the fear of death itself — defenceless, i could be obliterated in an instant …

 


Picture by bvdb (whoisbert) july 2019 – @home – nikon D3300 x_dsc_0185

8 thoughts on “nightly dialogues 24

  1. The synchronicity of this with my own experience is striking! Another reader wrote that it could have been written by them; from my perspective, it could have been written for me. For most of us, the road from ego-identification to residing in consciousness is slow. The ego sloughs off its protective layers gradually, from the outside towards the inside. And here is where we can get caught. The unkindness of unaware people attacks us, and we – our armour half-dissolved – are hit, perhaps by a dart that wasn’t intentionally thrown. Knowing that complete loss of ego-identification will free me, I allow this not to set me back, but to push me a little more forward. Your insights shared here have helped me, more than I could say! — Elizabeth

    • I think many people’s interiors are like this. Perhaps they don’t know this, and perhaps this is just a blueprint, and in real it probably is a lot more complex. It is my experience that ego is a difficult term to use, where everyone gives a different meaning. (i think ego is the desire/aversion selector, the opinionmaker — you also point in that direction) Perhaps these are layers of mind? There are moments when mind is silent. When identities background. But we only need to be free from what we think we know, in order to see reality as it is. (i think)

  2. I can relate to this so much…almost as if I could write it myself. “I cannot live without the concrete, but living with it makes life unbearable: — Oh so true! Thank you for sharing this 🙂

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