I felt good and happy throughout the weekend, but then suddenly, without any obvious reason, clouds troubled my view. These moods sometimes come and go, and I decided not to put too much attention to it. For one thing: I noticed something. I wouldn’t have noticed this kind of change in my internal weather some years ago.
Apparently, it didn’t fade away like sadness in a child. Not even after 10 minutes. However, my conscious mind had not been making stories of any kind. Now it tried to look for a possible cause for this mood: Could it be a reaction to my father’s dog having scratched my youngest’s leg? Did my father say something that had bothered me? I couldn’t find either to be the reason for what I felt.
An hour later, the feeling was still there. An emotion that felt like a combination of stress or fear … and then it struck me, this is how worry feels like.
But worry needs mental activity, and there was none related. So digging deeper, I felt that repression must be at work. Repression that works subconsciously. Perhaps my subconscious mind was gnashing its teeth … Not “perhaps”, it definitely was.
Next problem, what could my subconscious be worried about, and my mind tried several possibilities related to the children, school and health, or not spending enough time with them, or anything bothering me about things to be done in the garden … ?
No, definitely not the garden. Any kind of gardening is a rewarding experience, and I had had the chance to do a lot of work in there this weekend: picking apples, mowing some high grass, planting strawberry shoots, even weeding …
No, that was not the problem. Looming over my head, is a course I have to teach. It will be the second time I’ll teach this subject, but this time without assistance, which is a blessing. At the same time it feels as if it would be the first time I’d teach the subject. This course will have to be delivered next Monday, in just about a week. It is now due time to get prepared, but my thinking mind reasons ‘not yet‘. However my subconscious is not so sure about that …
My mind is a strange thing. It represses feelings of worry. Probably because it feels I have been procrastinating preparing for the subject. I used to procrastinate all the time while studying (few who don’t), and I had forgotten how it feels when the tension and stress is rising due to an inevitable approaching deadline.
My mind is a strange thing: In fact, I don’t want to feel this deadline stress, so my conscious mind is able to push the feeling under the table.
My mind is a strange thing. Through increased self awareness it was able to notice and to focus on this subconscious poison filling my heart. Moreover, it could label the feeling as worry.
My mind is a strange thing. Through reasoning it could eliminate all possible reasons for feeling worried, except one.
I wouldn’t have needed my strange mind to find out all of this.
Those around me could have told me right away what was wrong with me.