control, self and fear

the allegorical bubble of 'self', frozen in time by the tiniest shutter speed - how real is your bubble?

the allegorical bubble of ‘self’, frozen in time by the tiniest shutter speed – how real is your bubble?

When my thinking mind sees its lack of control on whatever,
it most often loses its temper.

After all, what i thought would happen does not –
or when i thought nothing would happen, something does.

So, i was WRONG!

Being wrong, means losing faith in myself,
one way or the other …

Losing faith in myself is not the best for my self esteem.

When mind is not in control,
the bubble of self, my ego,
is reduced in size..

What is self, but nothing more than some concepts of characteristics,
that I attribute to that image of ME?
Not necessarily real characteristics.
Characteristics that make me proud of who I am.Β  πŸ™‚
Proud of the story of ME, and how I came this far.

.. when self is under threat, self feels fear …

So when things go WRONG,

I express fear: ANGER

I repress fear: ANXIETY

… or i could just SWALLOW my PRIDE, and ADJUST to the new situation, and move on.

If the foundations of my conceptual self crumble to pieces,
what is left of self, that image that i have of me,
becomes nothing more than a broken mirror of nothing.

Pictures by bvdb (whoisbert) July 2013 – @Leuven(kruidtuin) – Canon Ixus HS230 – IMG_3574


28 thoughts on “control, self and fear

  1. I am in a better mode of learning this week – I understood and agree with what you stated. Our concept of self is too often blurred by what others have fed us mentally. We need to figure out more of what the truth inside is.

  2. “Broken mirror of nothing”– perfect! Ah, for self-control over feeling bad about oneself and losing one’s temper which makes one feel even worse about himself. Detach if you can and see it is all ego. And our naked selves, our self esteem, will be okay if we can detach from the ego. Now as for losing one’s temper… πŸ™‚

      • Is this a trick question? Not sure I can answer it or if I am repeating what you said. It usually happens after one has been angered or upset over a hurt feeling. One calms down and looks at the offense, feels the pain, the blow to one’s ego and in looking at it recognizes the wounded ego like seeing a reflection in the mirror and knowing that the reflection is a reflection of you but is not you. Same here. The ego is attached to you but is not you. With that recognition of “not you” comes an acceptance of an old friend that is troublesome and what follows is then peace. That is the best I can do to describe the process– not sure it makes sense. And it takes some time to sit with the pain, recognize it and then “detach”. What my aunt used to say was time to step back. In stepping back one sees the whole picture. Maybe this is the same as swallowing one’s pride. I am not sure. Acceptance is involved and so is one’s sense of human nature.

        • No trick question. To me the word ‘detachment’ is tricky, so I want to hear as many sources on the subject as possible. The tricky part for me is that ‘detachment’ might be wrongly interpreted in a ‘don’t care‘ kind of way, as I have often seen. While it could perhaps be better interpreted as ‘i’m renting‘ (your words on your house) my body and it’s brain and the conceptual mind in it that thinks these thoughts. And I could perhaps have better just looked at those thoughts in stead of them taking over control.
          But I’m not out of it yet.

          As you say ‘The ego is attached to you but is not you.
          The way you explain it sounds very similar to how I see it.

          Looking back at the past and replaying the undesirable events is a primer to changing the habit of freeing yourself of the original fear. As Bill said, ‘if you repeat a thousand times, the thought becomes the action‘. In my opinion this is still a fuzzy way of formulating but once you understand, spot on.

          • Yes, you put it very well (as usual 😊)– ego is the part, like the body, we are renting. It really does help to see it that way. My husband, therapist that he is, saw a possible danger in dissociation, like you’re reservations about not caring, but I think it is not either of those traps. Rather a freedom from Einstein’s saying separateness as an “optical delusion of consciousness.” Have a good weekend, ellen

            • Have a great weekend both of you too.
              Dissociation is difficult to achieve without strong external mental or physical torture.
              I like the word identity. I will try to identify less with my thinking mind and more with my observing mind.

            • Dissociation can be in the genes and used under duress. I was very dissociated– almost split into two people. And my sister dissociates and, while we had trauma, we certainly weren’t tortured. We had love– there were just a lot of problems– fear, abuse, etc. Dissociation is a defense. Dissociated Personality Disorder usually comes with extreme abuse. It used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

      • yes, many Yogi practitioners and martial artists spend many hours breathing properly until it becomes natural.

        The thought proceeds the action, then after one thousand repititions the thought becomes the action

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s