… in the anger

without oxygen, the energy in the charcoal remains contained in its molecular structure. If I don't feed the anger, the energy is not transformed in 'vick the vandal' or into the 'excalibur of words'

without oxygen, the energy in the charcoal remains contained in its molecular structure. If I don’t feed the anger, the energy is not transformed in ‘Vick the Vandal’ or into the ‘Excalibur of words’

There is a point when the anger takes over.

The attacks on patience have succeeded.
The genuine patience crumbles.
It is gone now, and polite ‘patience’ takes over.
Anger is the man.

I feel it
a wall
an expression
on the face
LEAVE ME ALONE
for some time.

I isolate myself in this office.

A reaction of feeling powerless
Utterly powerless,
seeing no more solutions.

I lose control over reality
So I’m losing self control

no more control of ‘self’

Self is crumbling
This is defeat of self,
and self control,
and control.

Self needs to have  everything under control. Then the image self has of itself, is correct.  No more  correct image of self, implies no self (temporarily). Self is always an image an identity. Mindfulness sees it is happening, and is writing about it right now, but the anger is still there. Mindfulness intuits: “anger could lead to insights about self, even to a lesser state of identification with mind.”

It’s not gone yet

Powerless
Impossible
I tried
many approaches
they all FAILED!

And now, minutes later
a sigh
relief,
it is moving away

This was harmless anger, I couldn’t prevent it, but I did not act. My acting was to close my eyes and to close my hands, a temporary fear of the outside world. Perhaps my isolation hurt the other, but I hope it prevented deeper pain.

Hope and Fear
two hands on the same clock
Time to open my eyes
and my hands again

Anger, no longer than the writing of these words, 10 minutes of self punishment.

Seeing things as they really are, without the veil of powerlessness, might have resulted in the same action, but it would have inflicted less pain on myself.

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28 thoughts on “… in the anger

  1. I like this post. You describe a process my husband goes through, now and again – with similar results. I ask him what’s wrong, thinking talking about it might help. He says, “I don’t want to say anything right now, because it would be about something it’s not even about, and I may even make it about you, which it’s not.” And later, he’ll tell me what triggered him.

    • … I recognize that feeling. When wanting to be alone, it is better to leave me alone till the emotion cools down. After a while, I want to hug again and tell the other that my pain went away. Hugging while angry is impossible. I think that anger is without love and not compatible with it.

    • I have noticed that my self deducted system has more similarities with the chakra system than differences. This is a good thing. More for me, than for the chakra system 🙂

    • Thank you Roxi, for this insightful comment. The manifestations usually are the effect of suppression or repression. Repression is the worst, since it is happening in the subconscious. Anger gets unconsciously replaced by severe headaches, fatigue … or worse.

  2. Very well put! I would have said that anger often goes away within a few minutes – like sudden physical pain – but you have really described the process spot-on!
    If I feel angry next time I will get back to this post 🙂

    • If you don’t feed it, it will go away within minutes, some say it even goes faster than that. Mental activity is the oxygen for the fire of anger. The often incorrect mental stories behind the sadness can turn fear and sadness into furious rage.

  3. Great post! It is a struggle, isn’t it? Things happen so fast if you can’t catch that moment of inflammation. Pema Chodron says meditation helps with this and if that does not work, to do exactly what you did. Shows control and prevents further hurt.

    • thank you for the appreciation. I don’t think ‘it shows control’ is the best choice of words. Acceptance of not being on control would be a better description of what happened. It is the not acceptance that feeds the anger. In the end, accepting not to be in control, controls the anger 🙂

      • Oh, the beauty of birthing awareness of the illusion of control. What a helpful midwife anger can be. The residual emotionally charged button pushers are some of the most sacred souls and situations in my life today, showing me where I am still “stuck” and the way to learning to live as what currently is M and her reactions. Mind you, that said, all while still having an eye on what I also know can be.

        Next anger incident happens as I track transformation over time… minutes to seconds… seconds to stillness… stillness to laughter one day at the realization that what once had the power to make me angry no longer ever does :).

        Beautiful Bert in motion, so graciously sharing the journey with us. Your generosity in authenticity is so appreciated by me. -x.M

        • Thank you M for your comment.
          It was a strange event to capture what happened at the moment it was happening. This is the text in red. The other text came later, after things had cooled down. I never witnessed my anger from this close. Consciousness is limited while angry, and the memory of the anger is very blurred afterwards. Perhaps I offer an insight to others, but I’m getting closer to finding who I truly am, and what my consciousness really is.

          • Welcome to the party :).

            When we give ourselves permission to feel any emotion as it arises, this creates within the experience of feeling it always a piece of oneself that remains separate from the emotional roller coaster of the body feeling the feeling… this then creates a neutral spot on the dance floor of ourselves that is just observing the body, just witnessing, just giving permission to the feeling to be felt.

            Over time, as I practice living with/as this observer, viewing my whole life experience from that neutral spot on the floor, slowly the emotions still arise, but I learn to dance with them to the place I want them to go instead of letting the feeling lead me around. This introduces the opportunity for choice. We feel what we feel, but we choose how to act… no longer reacting. No emotion can never be toxic or feel like punishment again. It is only what we choose to do with them that can be. When we are ok with not being ok, what happens to the feeling of not being ok?

            The aspect of consciousness that is given the power to groove with the coolest, strongest moves always owns and clears the dance floor at the party that is M’s emotional night club. Anger is a part of this landscape, but the observation of myself when experiencing it ultimately has given me the most “control” at the human party in my experience so far. Viewing my whole life as a dance of emotions and my observing them as the floor to move around with them on, is one tool that has brought me closer to finding my truth. The emotion is felt, but goes nowhere as the “witnessing” takes over, The dance floor clears and the deeper party (past just staying alive) begins.

            SMOOTH moves there Burt! 🙂

            The next time anger comes a knocking, wanting to play at Bert’s home, I can see you in the middle of the floor witnessing the dancing of the tantrum clothed in that sexy white suit (giving Travolta a run for his money!). Watch. You feel the anger, but I bet you will have a part of yourself that starts laughing when you remember this post. (I have actually started to say something with that angry “tone” to my husband and then have caught myself mid sentence, stopping and then laughing as I immediately observe my bad little upset self, with her Farrah Fawcett feathered hairdo, fall flat on her face under the spotlight and the disco ball in my head). 🙂

            • This is such a shallow comment in light of your discussion, but man do I miss the disco era. I know, I know, not cool but it’s how I feel!

            • Larry,
              If we can’t have a little fun while observing the serious business of being here on this planet in our current form, oy vey!!!

              I currently work the Bodhisattva warrior princess angle undercover as a flight attendant (aka sky goddess -lol) based out of JFK in NYC. One of my dearest loved co-workers actually had his own dedicated dance spot reserved for him on top of a speaker at Studio 54 back in the day! …So, there have been many pull-your-hair-out-on-the-brink-of-detesting-all-humanity-as-they-act-like-spoiled-children moments transformed by practicing dancing to the music in my mind in the back galley on an aircraft during challenging interactions with our humanity. Disco never dies when we remember :).

              Sharing the love, just sharing the love… and L, thanks for your share in return. -x.M

              (and to Bert, you are a gem for letting me Shanghai your reply section .xoM)

            • Thank you for this kind and elaborate comment. The many layers of me feel anger differently, and it is our identification process deciding what will happen. If we identifyu with the mind, the anger will be fed, if we identify with the emotion, we will probably be sad for some time, if we identify with awareness, emotion and mind will come to a standstill very soon.

              I wonder what happens if we do not identify at all – what would be the experience of no self in the anger?

            • No self in anger… excellent question to contemplate. Immediately on the heels of that question came a thought as to whether in the layers of awareness of self proceeding the no self, had they started their life in the moment of anger as an onion or cake? :)Huh, I ask M where is your bad little no self contemplation going with that thought popping in??? Cake crumbs of stillness left leading one to no self, emotion dining into the void. My words trying to describe anything past this point get messy in the frosting (or maybe I am just hungry).

              x.M

              And COMPLETELY over the top, but I find I just can’t “help myself” here lol:

            • No self usually implies laughter or sadness or nothing … at least in my very limited experiences, so anger probably has no chance to emerge …
              I prefer to eat cake in stead of onion,
              how about onion cake?

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