Feeling small and insignificant. A ground state. We are insignificant. A sad perspective. Just that. Change perspective and we are not at all insignificant. Silence a lonely purpose? Silence the only purpose? Is there a need for purpose?
Why do we all feel so utterly alone now and then? Why do we expect so much from a relationship?
At first: “you are the first person in the world with whom I really connect”
But slowly, seeding from the beginning, the other becomes less and less mindful and I become less and less considerate.
Now and then we get hurt for sharing! Hurt by indifference: “so what”, hurt by opposition: “what kind of nonsense is that”, hurt by salt in our wounds: “good for you!”
A friend could have said that and it wouldn’t have hurt at all. There would be no twists in talking and thinking.
A significant other does say it and it becomes all drama in both minds.
A friend is not always around. We only get to see the good parts. When we make time for sharing and being together.
That significant other is always around. Sometimes gets on our nerves. We share bad language. We say “I hate you!”
Every time we get hurt, we close a little. Over the years, many ‘littles’ become a lot.
Until we finally stop sharing and are all closed. Then she reproaches that I’m emotionally unavailable. Or she decides that I need more freedom. I was not aware I had no freedom. I was not aware somebody can decide upon the freedom in my head. Are you serious? I cannot laugh it away, it might hurt.
Learning is done by making mistakes and correcting them. The relationship is our mirror, but the mirror image is distorted. Two minds must interpret. Often nobody made a mistake, except the interpreting minds.
Sometimes we do not accept our mistakes. Sometimes we don’t accept the message, but realize its truth. However, the unfairness we store. Selective memory. Until it reaches a threshold.
The backpack becomes too heavy a burden to carry.
Relationships come in many forms. Friendships are the least dangerous, family are the most dangerous. Romantic love seems to start like friendship, and ends as family.
Detachment is not a miracle solution. Some distance is indeed needed, too much distance and nothing is left.
Where is the balance. There are two equilibria to take into account. If both points of equilibrium are too far away from each other, the relationship is over.