gordon ramsay’s barometer

I need a barometer. My parents and my grandparents had them, but I have none. These devices were able to tell when a storm was approaching, or when the sun was stable or not.

I need a different kind, but with a similar purpose: being able to tell when a personal storm is approaching or when there is a stable sun, or an unstable one. My nature is sometimes comparable to Gordon Ramsay’s. (Don’t click the link if you are mentally under 12.) There are occurrences of Ramsay taking over my emotional status when I’m cooking, and also when I’m trying to concentrate on some very technical problem where correct code and syntax are essential.

I need a Ramsay-meter.

What does it have to do:

code red

code red

* every morning it has to give me an indication of the quality of sleep. Less than 6 hours is code orange, Less than 4 hours is code red. Waking up with a headache or worse: code purple.

* every evening it has to give me an indication of the feeling of tiredness and of being exposed to road aggression. Having been cut off 3 times within 30 minutes is code red. Having been treated with the middle finger is orange. Having felt my life in danger is code red, having driven more than 10 hours in total is code red.

* special events, like incredibly useless and boring meetings that take an entire day, being fired, being harassed on public transport, being chased by the police for saving a life, being fined under way by a friendly policeman, being flashed by a speed-o-meter will all get a code red.

* during the day time, I have to ask myself at least every two hours what my Ramsay-condition was in the morning and how it has evolved over time. Doing so will make me aware of dangerous situations when code red or code orange have been present. The awareness will possibly avoid collisions with people I love.

* when coming home from work I have to ask the same question. Code red means: go to bed, do not interact and say goodnight with a kiss, say politely no to every other question and pretend to be deaf if repetitive and whining sounds occur.

I know this is a satirical post, but I’m dead serious about the meter: I’m going to keep one inside my head.


14 thoughts on “gordon ramsay’s barometer

    • I have a physical stress-meter that starts twitching my eye. But it only works when the load is like 150% or higher. These days I’d like to know about the range between 75 and 120%. I don’t have these twitches anymore since I recognized their nature 5 years ago.

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