I think I share close to nothing in this blog, … self control is burnt-in within the knuckles of my typing fingers. The <delete> button is often used. It’s easy for me to write about what happens around me, and about deep thoughts that occur now and then, but the continuous chatter, the fears and the pride, the masks, the sadness – although often in the background – I keep to myself. (except now,when I uncover their existence)
I analyse myself, and blog about the results and conclusions, but seldom or never about the process. This means that keeping up appearances is high on the agenda, and although I see through most of my own masks, only a select few, perhaps 2 people, unrelated to family and work, get to see the real vulnerable me. If you feel I’m open, then how closed off most people must really be. What a strange world we live in, what am I doing here.
Some say we are here to learn, and others say we are here to remember who we truly are, but none of that seems to fit. Not at all in fact. This is the dark side of existence. No metaphysical cow-dung. Existentialist life. And it all comes down to one question: “what is consciousness”, and nobody knows the answer.
The dark side of the internet is that you never know whether you are talking to someone genuine, or someone who is only amusing himself by playing whoever. And the worst of it is that people sometimes just disappear … into thin air, for ever. To really know, one must put aside all fear and let curiosity rule and conquer the physical distance. But then, my world is made out of many small circles that should intersect as little as possible.
15 years ago Mt. Shasta came to visit, travelling 20 hours in a plane, and then we couldn’t stop talking till we both felt blue. And that curiosity killed our e-friendship. No expectation matched, mind could not cope with the failure which it felt having conceptualized a reality that simply did not exist at all.
So, how do I look like now in your mind? Do I look like somebody from Korea?