on feeling disoriented and feeling angry and grumpy as a consequence

Anger is my reaction to pain,
i am quite depressed these past 5 weeks.This makes me a difficult person to live with.
The psycho-logic behind this is that pain is often inflicted by others.
If it is not inflicted by others, they often make it worse.
When i’m acting angrily, it keeps the others at a distance.
I close.If i would cry, some, might feel inclined to come and help,
and i would open up to be helped.But my psycho-logic tells me they probably wouldn’t have any idea what is going on,
hence they wouldn’t be of much help either.This is the mechanism behind most if not all of my anger.
This could be the mechanism behind many people’s anger.

A sustained status of anger, directed to the cause/inflictor of pain can be called hate.


this means that angry people probably feel a lot of pain,
hence we should feel great compassion for them.
This is not easy.
Moreover, showing this compassion is like approaching a wounded animal.
We’d probably get hurt too in the process,

There are two ways to tackle my anger.
The first cause would be to remove the pain.
No pain, means no suffering, means no anger.

We create our own pain. It is our reaction to negative situations. A situation can be handled upon without feeling hurt. When i break my shoelace in the morning, the easiest way to handle this situation is to find another one or to tie both broken ends together.
Getting angry with the shoe manufacturer yields no solution.

The second method would be to open up to others when in pain.
This is less easy than the first solution. I’d have to remove my mask and feel naked to the bone. However this can be done. My suffering will be alleviated by feeling loved by the compassionate person(s) who might want to ask me what is wrong with me.

Why do I often succeed in not feeling hurt by situations, but not this time? Like the seasons, during some periods in my life it doesn’t work. And then i get hurt easily. Why this regression? Why being cut off from the awareness?

It seems to have to do with fatigue and stress.
Somehow, a combination of both makes me forget that i do not have to feel hurt by situations. I have to find a solution for situations, not make them worse than they are. But under stress or when very tired, i forget this.

I also have to remember that when i feel the regression/depression, that there are easy ways to get out of it. Like having a fire extinguisher within reach.

I didn’t remember any of these ways in the past weeks. Depression and grumpiness seem to have blinded me for a way out. I probably was even unaware that i felt depressed. Awareness started only emerging 15 days ago or so. I wrote a ‘no comment’ blog about it.
In the past 5 weeks, feelings of being disoriented are the cause of feeling hurt.
However, it has not been easy to pinpoint one or even several causes for these feelings. They could be legion. It is a combination of some factors, but to be honest, I have no real idea where all the blues are really coming from.
The unexpected help of a business relation, made me really aware of the depressing state i find myself in. Amongst others he suggested over the past 8 days making a list of things that fuel my inner fire, and then engaging in those things. He could help me since i could not cut him off with anger or neglect, one has to be polite to customers. Those close to me could only endure my grumpiness.

I did indeed look for my inner fire and hesitantly gave some charcoal to it, and i have felt a lot better in the past 3 days as a consequence. I am re-emerging from the quick sand that kept me bound to my disorientation. Not that i feel confidently stable, but at least, i notice beauty around me, and stopped cursing like a sailor.

5 thoughts on “on feeling disoriented and feeling angry and grumpy as a consequence

  1. >>some severe blow to who they’d been hoping-to-be<<
    I deconstructed my metaphysics, and a lot of what i wanted to be went into the bin, this was/is a painful experience.

    I liked the article from scattered-minds. I do not know whether this still applies to me now, i feel like a lot of these ADD/self-esteem problems have been tackled and solved in previous years. Residue remains always.

    I read your 8 parts of excavations … trying to understand …. the last 40 lines resonated well … the rest is history.

    • Yeah, we’ve all got our own histories… but those common themes connect them, & us. That was 1987 or so; and it’s been a rich series of overturns since then. Same stuff, different perspectives.

  2. One of my favorite people wrote a chapter on this (and the rest of the book ain’t bad): http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch25.htm — Something that doesn’t necessarily manifest as what people think of as “ADD — or depression” but seems to underlie that. (Also some pretty good utube talks on addiction & ‘who we are when we aren’t addicted’ — again, more about the civilized-human condition more than whatever label people lay on their fellow-sufferers.

    My own experience with friends going literally over-the-edge has been that the precipitating precipice was usually some severe blow to who they’d been hoping-to-be. In one case, an excellent legal aid attorney who decided the courtroom was no place for a good person, went for a teaching credential — and ran into criticism when she couldn’t stop badgering the little witnesses… She returned to legal work on behalf of children & did fine. But first she went to the docs for ‘something to give me a good night’s sleep.’ She said it put her under in the middle of a raging anxiety attack — & after that she was on her way back.

    A link to one of my rather self-indulgent poems… (since you seem to like my writings anyway):

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