i am quite depressed these past 5 weeks.This makes me a difficult person to live with.
The psycho-logic behind this is that pain is often inflicted by others.
If it is not inflicted by others, they often make it worse.
When i’m acting angrily, it keeps the others at a distance.
I close.If i would cry, some, might feel inclined to come and help,
and i would open up to be helped.But my psycho-logic tells me they probably wouldn’t have any idea what is going on,
hence they wouldn’t be of much help either.This is the mechanism behind most if not all of my anger.
This could be the mechanism behind many people’s anger.
A sustained status of anger, directed to the cause/inflictor of pain can be called hate.
this means that angry people probably feel a lot of pain,
hence we should feel great compassion for them.
This is not easy.
Moreover, showing this compassion is like approaching a wounded animal.
We’d probably get hurt too in the process,
There are two ways to tackle my anger.
The first cause would be to remove the pain.
No pain, means no suffering, means no anger.
We create our own pain. It is our reaction to negative situations. A situation can be handled upon without feeling hurt. When i break my shoelace in the morning, the easiest way to handle this situation is to find another one or to tie both broken ends together.
Getting angry with the shoe manufacturer yields no solution.
The second method would be to open up to others when in pain.
This is less easy than the first solution. I’d have to remove my mask and feel naked to the bone. However this can be done. My suffering will be alleviated by feeling loved by the compassionate person(s) who might want to ask me what is wrong with me.
Why do I often succeed in not feeling hurt by situations, but not this time? Like the seasons, during some periods in my life it doesn’t work. And then i get hurt easily. Why this regression? Why being cut off from the awareness?
It seems to have to do with fatigue and stress.
Somehow, a combination of both makes me forget that i do not have to feel hurt by situations. I have to find a solution for situations, not make them worse than they are. But under stress or when very tired, i forget this.
I also have to remember that when i feel the regression/depression, that there are easy ways to get out of it. Like having a fire extinguisher within reach.
However, it has not been easy to pinpoint one or even several causes for these feelings. They could be legion. It is a combination of some factors, but to be honest, I have no real idea where all the blues are really coming from.
I did indeed look for my inner fire and hesitantly gave some charcoal to it, and i have felt a lot better in the past 3 days as a consequence. I am re-emerging from the quick sand that kept me bound to my disorientation. Not that i feel confidently stable, but at least, i notice beauty around me, and stopped cursing like a sailor.