deconstructing my metaphysics

I’m deconstructing my own metaphysics. How can i be so sure that i really am divine, and not a cynical quirk of a soul-less universe? Not that such a life wouldn’t be worth living …

I’m in a downward glide, and will be in my rebuilding phase soon, but now i’m close to the depressing abyss … reading things like
or even
but also
and i feel good about this search … but deconstruction is also about losing erroneous but positive corner stones, creating an uncomfortable void.

nowhere to get lost … nowhere to escape

I think i rejected christianity as it is presented by the churches, 25 years ago. In my old metaphysics (20 years ago till recently), Jezus is like Buddha and Buddha is like Jezus. But these days i’m really rejecting everything that i have not experienced.

In the universe there is a force, you can call that whatever you want, that is driving the evolution of consciousness. I’m constantly experiencing this force. I can call this God, but when i stop experiencing, when self will end, i will only see the void cause “i” has stopped. (The experience is the perception the experiencer has about the experienced. When the experiencer is no more, the experience will also stop. Besides, whatever i experience is just a shade, an interpreted impression of the experienced. No i = no ego + no self => no experiences.)

I thought for nearly a life time that NDE’s are real, but lately i’m not so sure about that anymore. Death might lead to the void of no self, and i might have only this life. No afterlife, no reincarnation.

How will i live to the fullest, living that knowledge?
Or will i stop living by knowledge, and just live?

My consciousness might be recycled, but i’m sure it will not be ‘me’ anymore.
Some Buddhist call this clear light. Perhaps it is better not to call it anything, and wait to see if anything happens. If not, that is not a problem, at least ….., at least if i have lived life everyday and every second as if it would be the ultimate day.

Such is not difficult. Whatever i do, i never feel like wasting time. Being bored or lazy will teach me that life is often about doing nothing without a purpose. Being angry will teach me something about ‘self’, ‘ego’, and even ‘free will’.

This deconstructed system is frightening, but even the fear will teach me that i’m alive.
My mind will conceptualize what i just wrote as another metaphysics. However empty, it still is a concept.

One day i might dare/learn to live without concepts. Maybe de-mention is all about facing the emptiness of the conceptualized world and self. Maybe demention teaches our awareness how to live without a soul.

I have overindulged in reading till 2010, but now the writings come to me only when i need them. I have practiced like a soldier, but now i only practice when the practice comes to me.

On easter morning 5am i drove to hospital with a baby that couldn’t stop nose bleeding. They visited us the day before and stayed the night and then around 4 o’clock the little girl started to bleed. I didn’t think much when they woke me up. My awareness did the driving and the mother did the talking. I didn’t experience god, but i saw many cherry trees blossoming in the eery morning light. The girl got an injection and the bleeding stopped. Life seems to be nothing more/less but that: doing what needs to be done, anytime, all the time.

And perhaps i will just internalize that last sentence. And not conceptualize it.


3 thoughts on “deconstructing my metaphysics

  1. re ” . . . .How can i be so sure that i really am divine . . . .”
    As long as the mind is used to find such answers one will not find them because the mind is the barrier not the solution! However, in “letting them come” to you are on the correct track. Meditation, the total stilling of the mind, is the ultimate tool.

  2. Existence is by its nature eternal. Whether that still looks like ‘you’ in a kalpa or so, I don’t know either.

    You might want to join in on a Quakerish Bible study blog? — If so, the link is on my personal site.

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