I feel sad about a loss, and angry sometimes about it, often depressed, and mood swings. And the ANGER that bites at times, shouting loudest at the ones i love most. And then my thoughts call somebody a bastard. Not once, but daily. If it wasn’t for this bastard (or bitch) I would be free, or without sorrow.
No, I do not hate. I tell you: “I DO NOT HATE!!!” Do you understand that.
Shall I repeat that again: “I do not hate!”
No sooner did I see the above pattern or the hate was gone. I confirmed the hate, I acknowledged it. And its power became less.
But this insight came at a price – moreover, it took nearly six months to get flashes of reality, before that, not a single clue.
Saturday he said: “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering”
When desperate, I found myself questioning whether i was in a depression or not. I was close, but not there yet. People did not understand me. Nobody ever understands me. I’m not lonely, I’m alone.
On Sunday, I left in a rage. I don’t remember why. There was a word, misinterpreted as an attack. I wanted to cry. I found a country road. But too many wanderers drove me into the forest. The forest was flooded. What did i do here in my sneakers? I should have worn fishermen’s boots.
But i didn’t want to go back. I knew the way. Since my childhood had I been playing here. But now there was water everywhere. I jumped from dry spot to less dry spots.
Two beautiful deer thought they were alone. Far away from wanderers. Nobody would disturb them here. Only an angry fool would. I saw them looking at me for a split second. Then running out of sight like a whirlwind.
Being so close to nature can be shocking.
Around Christmas, a good friend had told me the story of a poacher and Saint Bernard. When I came home from the flooded forest, I put on the tv and by some ‘coincidence’ I was shown this story. I always pay attention to impossible coincidences.
A very blue Monday:
I woke up 6 am and started shouting. At everyone. All anger came out. I wrote a mail to my work that i would arrive 2 hours late. Is this how it feels like when all reason is lost. Is this true rage. Is this insanity?
The mail did however not arrive until 8 hours later because of a mail server problem. They couldn’t reach me on the phone because of a cell-phone relay problem.
I met two of my students on their way home, and took them back to class. They texted the others, and when I arrived, all but one was present. This lead to a melt down of my heart. I surrendered. I remembered Yoda and “the Fear”.
The sun shining again?
Is there anything to be afraid of? Why do i feel threatened so much? What happened to reason? What happened to spirit? Why did what happened in august take such a long time to come to negative fruition. What triggered its growth into a cancer of hate? What made this trigger different from the other triggers that never became a monster …
There is acknowledgement.
Healing can finally start.
What is hate?
Losing anything we loved or liked … and regretting this loss beyond all reason.
Fear is beyond reason. Fear feeds jealousy and envy and finally hate.
Yoda was right.